*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.