I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
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SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Looking at you, Jesus.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
How high do the levels go?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.