Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident