Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Yup!
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Last-minute gift idea!
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk