I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
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Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Just a phase…
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I’m about to risk it all
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.