Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
👾👾👾
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.