“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today