Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Bill is short for Billiam
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros