i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
See..?
.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.