my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
hackers play passwordle
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake