In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
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Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Simple enough.