TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
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Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer