I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.