Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
You Might Also Like
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh