[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
The Joker was right
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
my mind
You just read my mind
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.