Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.