Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.