My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.