[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
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Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
good work, everybody
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Perfect.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
He took my last fry, your honor
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡