😆this is so true
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Put the is in disheveled
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*