CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.