The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Has there ever been a more American story?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off