I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Just this preview of the story is enough
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Bed should get ready for ME
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good