Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies