This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.