assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
my first dose meeting my second
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.