Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”