that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.