Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Happy Thanksgiving
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.