[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.