Doormats are a gateway rug.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?