As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
You Might Also Like
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled