Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
You Might Also Like
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.