According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.