(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Spa day..😅
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King