[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
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My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.