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team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I hate my earbuds.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.