Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Finally
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?