After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
🤣dope
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best