Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
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Being married means never having to say you鈥檙e angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I鈥檓 like Princess Peach in the way that I鈥檓 useless in a dress.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child鈥檚 face while taking a picture of them. It鈥檚 called balance.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn鈥檛 have tide pods*
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
馃槈馃槤
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils