[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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Before & after 😅
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD