The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.