“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
what’s really going on
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone