People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin