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The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
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Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.