me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.