Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.