doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.