I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Who’s your best friend?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.