Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses